When I was in 7th grade, I was sexually assaulted by one of my best friends. Kids have sleep overs at that age and I woke up in the middle of the night to him giving me oral sex and I froze. I kept my eyes shut to act like I was still sleeping in the hopes that it would soon be over. I eventually got up, went to the couch in the other room and went back to sleep. The next morning I got up early and was brought by my parents to my job working for my uncle at his garden center not far from my home in Chicopee, MA. I kept my mouth shut, didn’t say a thing to them the entire ride about the incident and acted like nothing happened. It would take me almost 17 years before I finally confessed to my parents what had happened that day.
In todays blog, I want to discuss the aftermath of this experience, the process of beginning to heal from it, gaining freedom by speaking on it with others and four lessons from the experience.
I will be intentionally vague in some parts of this blog to respect and protect the identity of the individual who assaulted me. It may be surprising to hear, but I hold no ill will towards this person. I understand that we were both young at the time, and I would like to believe that if given the chance, he would not have allowed this incident to occur. Additionally, I believe that he was influenced by the troubled environment he was in at the time. It has been approximately eight to ten years since I last had any contact with him.
The next day, while I was at work, I texted him to ask what had happened the previous night. He acted clueless and seemed confused about what I meant. I explained the events that had taken place, and he apologized, stating that he had no recollection of what had happened. He admitted that earlier in the night, without my knowledge, he had taken a tab of acid.
Being young and unaware of the effects of acid, I accepted his apology. I truly believed that it was a mistake on his part and that the drug had influenced his actions. If I were going to blame anyone, I thought it should be the acid.
A few days later, I shared this with three of my closest friends, who were also friends with him at the time. They were supportive but had a hard time understanding what had occurred. To the best of my knowledge, they kept it a secret for my sake. Now, almost 17 years later, I have never spoken about this topic or had them bring it up to me.
I eventually compartmentalized the entire experience, burying it deep within me, and trying to avoid speaking or thinking about it again.
Just a few weeks later, I resumed hanging out with him as if nothing had happened. He would invite me and our three buddies to various "cool" high school parties he was part of, and we always went. He was popular with the ladies, and they all wanted him at the parties we attended. In my mind, I convinced myself that the incident was a big misunderstanding and I felt the need to brush it under the rug as if it never happened.
So that’s exactly what I did.
A few years went by and I remember a time in high school when I started talking to one of his ex-girlfriends. By then, we had drifted apart and didn't have much of a friendship. However, I'll never forget when he eventually texted me something along the lines of "If it was anyone else, I would kick your ass." I interpreted this as him still recognizing how much he had wronged me years before.
I’m lucky to say that I never really attached myself to the incident and can’t recall any prolong after affects emotionally, physically or spiritually. I had done my best to let it go and forget it even happened.
A few years ago, I noticed that he followed me on Instagram. I considered reaching out to have a conversation about the assault but didn't feel it was my place to do so. I see his name pop up on my IG from time to time and I’m always curious how that experience has affected him if in anyway.
I kept this secret hidden deep within me because it rarely, if ever, came up during my late teens and throughout my 20s. There were a few random instances where something would trigger my memory of it, but I would quickly dismiss it and bury it back inside, locking it up and tossing away the keys.
In 2023, my relationship with this experience took a positive turn. Kate and I were rebuilding our relationship after a 2-month break-up, and I started diving into therapy to work on myself. I began unpacking childhood experiences that had shaped me into who I am today, for better or worse, and I genuinely started to enjoy the process. I didn't judge myself for it; I had a neutral point of view and fully accepted that because X happened, this is why Z happened.
During my weekly calls with my therapist, I started to feel very comfortable discussing various topics and subjects. I remember one particular call when something my therapist asked triggered memories of this traumatic incident involving the 12-year-old boy Bobby.
Part of me wanted to keep this to myself, but another part of me realized that burying it inside me would only perpetuate the pain. Instead, I decided to confront it directly, talk about it, and reflect on it in the hopes of finding peace.
Feeling safe and comfortable enough to speak up was a major first step that set in motion the process of acknowledging this part of my story.
Eventually, I mustered the courage to share this with Kate, who responded with nothing but love, support, and gratitude for my willingness to open up.
I had previously shared this experience with my sister, so she already knew. This meant that the next group I wanted to share it with was my parents. Since I was living in California at the time and they were in Massachusetts, I felt it was important to do it in person. So, I waited a few months until I saw them in July of last year. I didn't know when I would have the opportunity to break the truth to them, but when the right moment came, I opened up completely to them. They responded with unconditional love and appreciation that it hadn't affected me as much as it could have.
By sharing my truth, it also led to my father opening up to me about him being sexually assaulted by his stepfather when he was a young boy. This was something he had never shared or spoken about with me until that moment. What’s ironic is that almost eight years prior, in the same house, I had learned some hidden truths about my dads stepfather and how he had sexually assaulted my dads brothers. It was a wink from the universe that this was the right place and time to have the conversation and I was so happy that I did.
Creating a space for the truth to come out for both of us felt incredibly liberating. I was starting to own my story and truth, and it felt empowering.
So why am I choosing to share this with all of you today?
A few years ago, Lewis Howes, the host of The School of Greatness, shared his story about his personal experience with being sexually assaulted as a child. It was one of those moments where I was reminded of my own experience and thought to myself, "I am not the only one." I truly appreciated him speaking about it, and hearing how free he felt after finally opening up was truly inspiring. He turned one of his biggest vulnerabilities and insecurities into a source of peace. He was also my biggest inspirations for starting my podcast journey in 2016 so to see him share something so personal that I could relate to made me feel scene and accepted. I knew that one day, I would want to take a similar approach and speak about it publicly to my community, but I wasn't sure when.
More recently, there were a few signs from the universe in the weeks leading up to this moment that told me it was time to share. Hearing conversations of other men opening up truths about their life or hearing other podcasters like Tim Ferris speak so positively about opening up on his sexual trauma got my mind thinking about my own personal experience. The moment that gave me the green light was during a small gathering with two other great guys at my place last week. We were discussing relationships, and I opened up about my biggest weaknesses in my relationship with Kate and how I had to confront them. One of the guys immediately expressed appreciation for my ability to talk about my "weaknesses" without fear.
In that moment, I realized how comfortable I had become with owning my own truth, and seeing how it impacted him made me realize that I can have a profound and positive impact by continuing to speak about my own challenges and insecurities. Moreover, I believed that I could give others permission and encouragement to speak up and share as well. I felt that now was the right time to share, and when I communicated this to Kate, she encouraged me to do it, knowing that it could help just one person out there who listens.
So here we are today, ripping the bandaid off so I can finally let this wound heal.
Looking back on this experience, there are four valuable lessons I can pull that I’ve discovered since this happened 17 years ago.
According to the National Institute of Health, current estimates indicate that over 27% of men and over 32% of women have experienced sexual victimization at some point in their lives. I believe this number is likely higher, as until recently, I was someone who had been sexually assaulted but was afraid to speak up about it.
For a long time, I was afraid to share because I thought that no one around me could relate or that I would be judged for what had happened to me. Now that I know what I know, I realize that I am not alone and that there are others out there who have gone through similar experiences. Understanding and accepting this made me realize that I was not alone in my experiences. Even if I didn't personally know anyone who had gone through a similar situation, I knew that there were other men out there who had.
I felt great the day I discussed this topic with my therapist, and I felt even better when I was ready and willing to share it with my sister, Kate, and my parents.
It takes a lot of inner strength to give yourself permission to speak up about sensitive and personal matters, but it's also one of the most effective ways to process the experience.
Owning my truth doesn't mean saying, "I'm proud to have been sexually assaulted!" It means acknowledging that this experience happened to me. What's done is done, and I refuse to judge myself because of it. It's simply a part of my story, and it does not define who I am.
This is how I have found peace from this experience.
Being able to share it on a public platform is liberating, and it gives me hope that this process can have a ripple effect for those who have something they want to share but feel scared to do so.
It would be fair for me to feel anger towards this individual and to resent and hate him for the rest of my life. However, today and for the rest of my life, I will always choose love over anger.
What will anger accomplish for me? What has happened, has happened. I cannot change it, and the more negative energy I give it, the more it will control my life and distract me.
I choose love because I am at peace knowing that the past is behind me. All I can do is choose to learn from the experience and move forward with my life.
I also truly believe that this individual was influenced by their environment, and if someone else were in their shoes, they would likely have acted in the same troublesome way. This doesn't excuse or justify the assault; it was still wrong. However, it allows me to view the situation with love rather than anger. If this person had been raised in the same household as me, I don't think this would have ever happened to them.
I've learned that shame only persists when I cling to the past. By reminding myself that this sexual assault does not define me, and that it doesn't need to burden my present life, I have been able to gradually release any shame I may have had about the experience. It has also been helpful to recognize that we were just kids when this happened, and that I did nothing wrong to deserve it. This brings me some peace and allows me to let go of any lingering shame.
The first step to healing shame is acknowledging and accepting the reality of what happened, and I have taken that step.
I hope you've never had to or will ever experience something like this in your life, but I'm willing to bet there's something you've kept secret for a long time.
No matter what it is, ask yourself: what is the first step I can take today to find more peace with the situation?
Talk to a therapist, family member, friend, mentor, significant other, or anyone you trust.
On the other side of that conversation and the work that may need to be done, you'll find freedom from holding it inside and be at peace with what has happened.
Have that conversation as soon as possible.
If you've made it this far in the blog, I just want to say thank you for giving me the opportunity to share this experience with you. The main focus of this episode was to confront this part of my story directly, and I believe we achieved that today. I also hope that it will inspire someone else who listens to this episode to do the same for themselves.
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