One of the most important skills that one can master is the ability to say no to people.
No to invites that don’t excite you.
No to people that aren’t aligned with your core values.
No to events that will cost you time, energy and money that you’re not willing to give up.
No to anything that is a distraction to your current personal and professional goals.
Why must we learn to say no? So that we can block out the noise and live a life that is fully aligned with the life we want to create for ourselves.
In this blog, I will explain why it is difficult for people to say no to others. I will also discuss the six hidden costs that are challenging to measure but accompany our inability to set boundaries. Additionally, I will share nine ways in which you csn politely decline an invitation without damaging a friendship.
So why is it so hard to say no to people? Theres a few reasons.
The Fear of Rejection: We’re worried about damaging friendships or being perceived as unhelpful or unfriendly. Who wants to be the one to say no to dinner at the hottest and newest restaurant in town? Nobody does.
The Desire of Approval: Humans are social beings, and there is a natural desire for acceptance and approval from others. Saying no may create a sense of guilt or a fear of disappointing others, leading us to be hesitant to decline requests.
Conflict Avoidance: Saying no can sometimes lead to conflict or disagreement. People who prefer harmony and want to avoid confrontation may find it challenging to express their disagreement or set boundaries.
Lack of Assertiveness Skills: Some people may not have developed effective communication and assertiveness skills, making it challenging to express their preferences or boundaries confidently.
It is challenging to refuse when we have the urge to say yes and be the superhero for anyone who wants our time and attention. However, this mentality is our biggest obstacle and drains our energy.
If we pop the hood of our inability to say no to people, you might be surprised at the hidden costs that are hard for us to connect back to our inability to create the boundary.
- Burnout and Stress: Constantly saying yes to others' demands may lead to an overwhelming workload and increased stress. This can contribute to burnout, negatively impacting physical and mental well-being.
Me saying yes to lunch with someone when I already know my day is going to be busy and I barely have enough time to breathe is going to cause more stress.
- Compromised Personal Time: Failing to say no can result in a lack of personal time and self-care. Overcommitting to others may lead to neglecting one's own needs, hobbies, and relaxation, which are essential for overall well-being.
I used to be someone that would be happy to take a business call at 6pm on a Saturday night. Now that I have strict boundaries between my personal and work life so that never happens.
- Reduced Productivity: Taking on too much can lead to reduced efficiency and productivity. When stretched thin across multiple commitments, individuals may struggle to deliver quality work in a timely manner.
By me saying YES to something means me saying NO to any current projects I am working on within my business. I’ve had to learn to be very mindful of what and who I am giving my energy to.
- Strained Relationships: Constantly saying yes to others can lead to resentment and strained relationships. Over time, individuals may feel taken for granted or unappreciated, potentially damaging personal and professional connections.
This is why communication is so important. If it doesn’t feel right, back out. You don’t want to ruin a relationship because your needs are not being met. Take responsibility by speaking up in a kind manner.
- Lack of Focus on Priorities: Inability to say no can result in a lack of focus on personal and professional priorities. Individuals may find themselves involved in tasks that are not aligned with their goals, diverting energy from more meaningful pursuits.
I read a great book called "Essentialism" by Greg McKeown that summarizes this perfectly. Imagine a circle with only 10% of your energy being dispersed in all different directions. Because it's only 10%, the energy can only go so far. On the other hand, when you focus 100% of your energy in one direction, it can go deep into your focus and priorities.
- Impact on Mental Health: The constant pressure to please others and meet their expectations can contribute to anxiety, guilt, and a sense of inadequacy. Over time, this can negatively impact mental health and overall life satisfaction.
Here's a perfect example: You receive an invitation to something you don't want to do, but you say yes because you feel obligated and don't want to hurt the person's feelings. Now, you're frustrated that you have to fulfill this commitment in a few weeks. As the day approaches, you continue to feel dread. When the day finally arrives, you're annoyed that you have to attend. Throughout the event and even afterwards, you feel bitter about having to do it. All of these negative emotions can take a toll on your mental health.
So you might be asking yourself, how can one avoid this situation? How can you learn to say no to people confidently without damaging relationships?
Your solution: Learn how to politely decline requests and become a pro at it. Aim to reach an all-star level of proficiency, where you consistently and automatically say no. The purpose of doing this is to stay in your greatness zone, which is only possible when you live life in alignment with yourself.
Here are nine ways to politely and respectfully deliver the "no.”
- Be Honest and Direct:
- Express your reasons for declining in a clear and straightforward manner.
- For example: "I appreciate your invitation, but I have other commitments that I need to prioritize right now."
- Short, simple and straight to the point
- Offer Alternatives:
- Suggest alternative solutions or compromise to show that you value the relationship.
- For example: "I can't commit to a long dinner this week, but how about we grab a coffee for a shorter catch-up?"
- Dinners can consume a significant amount of time, money, and energy. Sometimes it may be more practical to suggest a quick coffee meetup or another alternative. Feel free to propose something that aligns better with your preferences.
- Use "I" Statements:
- Frame your response using "I" statements to convey your personal perspective.
- For example: "I would love to help, but I have a lot on my plate right now and need to manage my time wisely."
- If you don’t prioritize yourself, who else is going to?
- Express Gratitude:
- Show appreciation for the invitation or request before delivering your response.
- For example: "Thank you so much for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I won't be able to participate this time."
- The phrase "thank you so much for thinking of me" can have a significant impact and subtly remind the person that you truly appreciate their gesture of reaching out.
- Set Boundaries:
- Clearly communicate your limits and boundaries to ensure mutual understanding.
- For example: "I've decided to take on fewer commitments to focus on my well-being, so I will need to pass on this"
- I recently received a text from someone I invited to be on my podcast. They informed me that they will not be doing any podcasts for the next 6 months as they need to focus on their priorities. I have a great deal of respect for their ability to recognize their needs and set boundaries for themselves.
- Be Firm but Polite:
- Maintain a firm stance while keeping your tone polite and respectful.
- For example: "I have to decline, but I hope you understand. Let's plan something for another time."
- I firmly believe that the way we communicate can greatly influence the outcome. Consider someone asking, "Can you pass me that bottle of water?" The tone used can convey a variety of emotions, which in turn affects how the message is received and responded to. Similarly, we must be mindful of how we communicate the no response to someone.
- Buy Time:
- If you need more time to consider, express the need for reflection.
- For example: "I appreciate the opportunity. Can I get back to you by [specific date] once I check my schedule?"
- I recently heard on a podcast someone share that they do not allow themselves to say yes to anything over the phone. We often feel pressured and may make a decision that we later regret. If you need more time to consider, communicate that. But also ask yourself, if this were tomorrow and your schedule was clear, would you say yes? That should help you make a decision.
- Frame It Positively:
- Emphasize your positive intentions and express regret.
- For example: "I wish I could join, but unfortunately, I have to decline. Let's plan something else soon."
- If it's someone you respect and value, suggest another potential idea if what they proposed doesn't align with your preferences. However, if you're trying to distance yourself from this person, avoid communicating the message "let's plan something else soon." Doing so may lead to either them following up again, putting you back at square one, or you being perceived as someone who says one thing and does the opposite. It's best to avoid both scenarios.
- Be Consistent:
- If you've said no, stick to your decision to build trust and consistency in your interactions.
- You have to do what is best for you. If that means saying no multiple times to someone, don't beat yourself up. You're doing this to prioritize your limited time and energy each day.
Questions from the community
Darius: How do you know what to say yes to?
Great question! I believe you need to constantly ask yourself a few questions. Will this person, event, experience, or opportunity give or take energy from me? Does it align with my core values? Do I feel excited or instantly regretful when committing time to it?
Your priorities will shift and change throughout different seasons of your life, that's natural. So, regularly checking in with yourself and asking what you need in the present moment will help you determine what to say yes to.
When I first moved to Austin in September, I had a few people I wanted to connect with, but it didn't make sense right away because I needed to focus on unpacking, getting back into my routines, and figuring out all the logistics of moving to a new state. At that time, saying yes to anything community-related didn't make sense. Now that I'm settled in, I am saying yes more to community opportunities because it is a priority for me in 2024.
Timing is important, and I have always been realistic with myself about what my focus is in the present moment. Nobody else has the answer to what you should say yes to except for you. Trust your initial gut reaction.
Challenge for you
Two challenges for you...
Have you recently committed yourself to something that you now regret? If yes, I challenge you to reach out to them today via text, call, or email, and let them know that you need to change directions.
For the second challenge, I want you to be highly mindful of what you agree to in 2024. Test, try, and utilize any of the nine examples I provided today to politely decline someone. You will likely discover one to three methods that work best for you, and stick to them.
Don't be the person who ignores messages or fails to respond. Communicate your refusal. It will speak volumes about your character, and people will see, feel, and respect you for it.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
